=(.

what a way to usher in the new year, huh.

selamat hari raya!

Okay. This is very different from last year. Last year I was all gung-ho and enthusiastic about making resolutions. This time, I still haven't gotten around to even thinking about them.

Last year, I was excited about buying an organizer. I still remember dragging him around everywhere looking for one and finally settling for one from that-shop-at-citylink. A purple one. =) I remember it! I think I stuck with it for about three months before switching to a new one, hehe.

I have a thing for lovely notebooks. I really really love unique notebooks to write/doodle in.

2006 has been a great year. A lot of fab memories created, a lot of changes happening, alot of decisions have been made. Let's hope whatever it is that has happened is for the best, at least for the time being, and if it isn't, let's hope that I'll have the courage to be [wo]man enough to face up to it.

Curse of the Golden Flower is a pretty good movie. So is The Holidays. Cameron Diaz's character is so..infectious and bubbly, haha.

Anyhoo, so far I have two modules. Metaphysics [Philosophy] and Government and Politics of Singapore [Political Science]. I think Adilah has decided to take the PS module with me under SS. =) Last semester I was pretty stressed out over bidding but this semester, I'm just going to do what I think is best - and leave it at that - and I think I'm alot happier with my modules. Provided I get the remaining three that is!

Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me.

Guys Think You're Easy to Be With... But Not Easy

You're definitely a flirt - and a good one. But you also know that you shouldn't make a move on any cute guy who passes by. You save your seductive moves for someone who already knows the real you. That way, your sex appeal is just part of the whole package.

Are You Easy?

You Are Cheesecake

Rich, sweet, and simply perfect. You're not boring - you're just the best!

What Dessert Are You Most Like?

Men See You As: An Attainable Challenge

You know how to make your man crave more of you But you also know when to show some interest back You're good at keeping your guy guessing And over time, you'll let him know how you really feel

Are You a Challenge?

Your Dream Engagement Ring Has a Pear Diamond!

You're personal style is a mix of classic and contemporary, reseved and outgoing. A pear diamond matches your charming personality - and is perfect to show off. You've also got an elegant side, which is complemented a tear dropped shaped pear. It's the perfect mix of Liz Taylor and Jessica Simposon - both wearers of this ring!

What's Your Dream Engagement Ring?

You Are Funky Panties

You're stylish, trendy, but not over the top. You know how to look good - without looking like you're trying too hard. Men think that you're cute, friendly, and approachable. And you've got a spunky, feisty side that comes out after a while!

What Kind of Panties Are You?

How did it come to be that you and I must be far away from each other everyday?

At the beginning of next month, the song will start playing in my blog again. Then when this dear site has received too many hits, the song will stop. Grrr.

I'm cold. I'm sitting in the middle of my living room, my laptop propped against the sofa and I'm cold.

I want Mr Binks to come home. Please oh please come home..

I realized something after Gandos came into our lives..I always wondered if I would be able to love my children the same if I had more than one..and I always feared that I would have a favourite. At least until Gandos came into our lives. Kiki used to be my one and only favourite cat in the world and I love her so much but when Gandos came in, it felt as though the love was shared evenly. I still love Kiki just as much and somehow I love Gandos alot too. I don't have favourites among them. I just love them both so much. I pretty much learned that you can't quantify love.

Then Mr Binks entered. And I fell in love with him too. I miss him so much. =( I miss him sniffling around, looking at me with that curious, innocent expression only kittens can have, rubbing his wet nose against me, rubbing his body against my legs, nibbling my finger, licking my finger, licking my ears, crawling over my laptop and accidentally switching it off, following my around everywhere.. I even miss him meowing.

I'm really really really sad. It really feels as though my heart is breaking. I want Mr Binks back, please Binks, come home and I promise that we'll never let you out of sights ever again...=*(

Gandos is special. She and Mr Binks look exactly alike. Gandos is sitting beside me now and I think she's sad. She never had a friend to play with until Mr Binks arrived..Mr Binks is a playful ball of boundless energy.

That's right. I'm using present tense.

I still remember the first night my sister brought Mr Binks home. He was crouched right at the back of the cage meowing really loudly looking really scared..but he still gobbled up all the kitten food we gave him. Oh Mr Binks, please please please come home..

Gandos is special. I found her meowing under my block, eyes still closed, only about a day old, still unable to walk when I was going out to meet Shahrul. It was rainy season then when we got a new cat. It's rainy season now when we lose one.

Looking after Gandos was hell. I wish I had the old pictures. Trying to get her to drink her milk - force-feeding was neccessary, taking her to the vet, wiping her everyday, bringing her to Kiki so that Kiki could keep her warm..It was hard as hell. Everytime you fed her, you weren't sure if she was choking or swallowing air or the milk. It wasn't easy, but we did it. =( We were so careful, took so much care. How then did we manage to lose Mr Binks?

We looked everywhere for Binks. I know he's probably dead..what are the chances that a kitten will survive this rainy season? Two grim possibilities: eaten by a snake or fell into the drain and was swept away by the strong currents. Which one? Maybe he was cat-napped. But that's not possible. Mr Binks doesn't even leave home..and he was there in the morning, he was sleeping on my grandfather's bed trying to get warm..

Mr Binks picture is even the picture on my wallpaper. It's been two days already...

:*(

Oh my heart, my heart, it's broken..

In the pursuit of happiness, we sometimes lose track of how to hold on to it and enjoy it. We want the perfect lover, instead of the perfect love.

I always feel like a freak because I'm never able to move on like this.

People just have an affair or even entire relationships; they break up and they forget. They move on like they would have changed brands of cereals.

I feel I was never able to forget anyone that I've been with because each person had their own specific qualities. You can never replace anyone; what is lost is lost.

Each relationship when it ends really damages me, I never fully recover. That's why I'm very careful with getting involved because it hurts too much...I will miss of the person the most mundane things. Like, I'm obssessed with little things...Maybe I'm crazy...I think...with people I see in them little details that are so specific to each of them that move me and that I miss and will always miss.

You can never replace anyone because everyone is made up of such beautiful, specific details.

Heyy folks. That's my sister, Ana. She came back from Perth about a week back. The sunglasses are hers, the cap's mine. When I feel especially lazy, I just don a cap. Now I think huge sunglasses are a pretty good idea as well.

And guess what happened at dinner? We planned to have a nice family meal at Kartini's, Parkway because it's been a really long time since we all went out together. So okay, I was really psyched to try the tahu telur there. But when we got there..it was such a major disappointment. Why? Not only had alot of dishes finished [they only told us after we ordered], the chicken dish had eggshells in it! K, so that was major disappointment number one. Major disappointment number two was when we reported it to the waitress. She came back with the same dish with the eggshells still in it, apologized, told us to continue eating it and they would not charge us for it and then she left.

I kid you not.

So later, we told the manager what had happened. She apologized once for it, and when my sister told her we would probably never go back to the same restaurant again..she responded with a mere "Ok."

So yeah, that's about it. We were still hungry after that so we had Macs drive-through. T'was very nice! =)

Signing out!

I know a place that we can go to, a place where no one knows you
They won't know who we are.
I know a place that we can run to, and do those things we want to
They won't know who we are.

I just zipped out to Marina Square and back to pick something up. You know what? I should never go out when I'm feeling lazy. Lazy as in, too lazy to be bothered with my appearance because that's always - and I stress on always - when I bump into people I know. Bumped into Liyana, Nurain, Adlina and Aidil there. Sometimes I really wish I was more concerned with how I look. I think I take after my mom..she hardly ever wears make up and even if she does, it's very minimal. I'm usually the one running after her trying to give her a makeover and she'll be telling me not to bother and to save it for myself. Sometimes..I can be bothered but most of the time, I can't. Hmmm.

I know a place that we forgot, a place where we won't get caught in
They won't know who we are.
I know a place where we can hide out, and turn our hearts inside out
They won't know who we are.

We're supposed to go to the beach but my mom and sister aren't back yet. =( Now the beach is double the fun because I get to drive there! Whoopee! The pictures in Amri's blog, when they went to KL, look like so much fun! I wonder when we're going to Sentosa -? Shaazzaaaa Amalinaaa Shaaarriii!!! Speaking of pictures, the pictures in Shaza's blog look really fun too. Silat's trip. =) Oh! I'm loving my new phone, by the way. Yeah yeah, it's not all that great but when you've been stuck with an ordinary phone for way too long, any phone that's better seems a helluva lot better.

We can get away to a better place if you let me take you there
We can go there now cause every second counts
Girl just let me take you there
Take you there.

Because...

These chicks don't even know the name of my band.

Heyyy Lulu, guess what? I totally agree with what you said right here: But on the other, I do want that rock in my life. Its just how long I can play this fiercely independent woman character. This is funny.. how we're agreeing with each other through our blogs!

Then again, I always said he complemented me and that there wasn't any dependance on either part.

Now this is funny because I'm sorting out my thoughts through my blog.

And hurray! It's Christmas! Love Actually last night was sweet. The little boy [Sam?] was so adorable!

"What could be worse than the total agony of being in love?" - and he says it so sincerely and his dad is so supportive of him and when the girl kissed him and he couldn't stop beaming, he looked soo cute!

La di da..it's such a feel good movie. =)

Merry Christmas, y'all!

My mom wants to read my blog. If you read this, mom, hello!

I can't wait to watch Love Actually tonight! I've been hearing so many great reviews about the movie and yessah - now I can finally catch it! My mom was funny just now, I was telling her that I can't wait to watch it because it's romantic and sweet and she was like, "I don't like those kind of movies! I've passed my time!" Haha funny lah she. =)

If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad ~*

I'm sad now. I hate being judged this way. I hate tactlessness. I hate it when you turn out to be wrong about someone.

Everyone has told me that I have changed. But only two people have made me feel good about it. One of them, Shaza, acknowledges the fact that I'm changing. And I think I am. Before when I was attached, I knew my limits. I was happier knowing my limits, really. But now that I'm single, I'm pretty much able to do whatever I want and that's when I have to decide for myself if I want to do something. Have I changed for the worse? Have I become wilder? I'd say no. You're welcome to your own opinion, but I say I haven't. I'd say "Don't judge me," but I can't because you already have.

I don't think I'm not upholding love. Faizah just told me I'm strong for doing what I did. Just because you're in a relationship with someone, that you stick it out regardless, it doesn't necessarily mean you're upholding love. Of course you'd still love a person. You'd love him for the memories. I still stand by my opinion that you should only be in a relationship if two is better than one. In my previous relationship, two was better than one. Sure we fought, sure I cried, but I was willing to make sacrifices and endure for him because I loved him. But somewhere along the way, things changed. How come? Did I change? Perhaps. Perhaps I was too drunk on my new-found freedom. I'm not too sure if it was the distance that made me feel as though we had grown apart.

But you know what? I love him. I'll always love him. And I know [at least I hope] that he'll always love me. To borrow a few lines from a very old entry, written when I was sixteen, I'm content with knowing I have a special place in your heart.

I think I agree most with what Nurul said. That sometimes after being in a relationship for so long, you tend to forget the difference - why you're actually in a relationship in the first place, what it's like to love someone and be loved by someone in return. [At least I think she said something along those lines.] Which is why I need to take a step back from everything right now and just breathe. I don't know if what I'm doing now..I'll regret in time to come. I can't predict the future. I just know that I have to take this time out to breathe.

Right back at ya, babe.

Rock with me now.

We went to Courts this morning! Well, initially we were supposed to go to Ikea but decided to drop by Courts first. It was supposed to be Courts, Ikea and then Parkway. I don't quite like going to Courts or Ikea with them because they never listen to me! If I tell them something looks good or offer my opinion on something, they'll never ever listen. =P But I do offer good advice! My living room sofa? I chose it! My parents were very against it but thank God they decided to listen to me and everyone who came to my house likes it! So see - I do give good advice, haha.

I can't wait to go to Parkway. =) Hopefully they'll let me drive. I know jokes made against my driving are all in good fun but I am getting very weary of them. Grrr!

Oh! Yesterday was fun. Spontaneous meet-up with Shaza and Huda. =) I love love love surprising people [at work]. =) =) =)

Watched The Forgotten with my family last night. Were supposed to watch An American Haunting because I wanted to scare my sisters but my sister got too scared [=P] so we switched movie. Which turned out pretty well in the end because The Forgotten was good! =)

Klah, hopefully I'll get a new hp after going to Parkway. I doubt it but hopefully, k? K. Bye!

When we met we kissed each other,
But when he went away, we did not even wave.

I guess I failed. I'm just another girl. I'm not the person I once was, I'm not the girl he thought he knew.

It's okay. There's no point justifying myself or trying to cover up my choices. Doesn't matter how you look at me, how you think of me. It can't be any lower than how I see myself.

Baby let's cruise
Away from here
Don't be confused
The way is clear

And if you want it, you got it forever
This is not a one night stand, baby
Yeah, so, let the music take your mind
Just release and you will find

You're gonna fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruising together
Music is played for love
Cruising is made for love
I love it when we're cruising together.

And so it is -
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

The bellydance workshop was okay. It was simply alot of fun to meet up with all the old girls - well, okay, I didn't know most of them - but it was alot of fun to meet up with a group of girls and well, shake those happy hips!

Visiting Shaza's blog brings back old memories because of the song that's playing. The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice. Trust me folks, when you first listen to it, you won't like it. But listen to it again, listen closely to the words and you'll think it's one of the best songs in the world.

There's no such thing as a happy ending. Honestly? I've lost faith in happy ever afters. If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?

Ooh! By the way, I shopped with Lulu at La Senza just now. Bought 5 very cute [and sexy] pairs of underwear. =D I really like them!



I have a very funny perception on perfection. Everything's perfect to me because if it were any other way, it would be flawed. Hence it's perfect because it's that way. You're perfect because you're that way.

Get it?

Give anything, but I won't give up.

Just came back from dinner at Simpang Bedok. Nice. =) It's raining really heavily there right now.

Self-destruct.

Sometimes I wish things would go back to how they were. I realize now that I probably felt unappreciated all this while, but how could things have been any different when he had both hands tied? I look through the pictures of my 'old life' and I feel sad. Have I changed so much? Can I ever get that girl back?

Do I even want to go back?

I do know that the best part of the whole thing was how he kept me grounded. And now I'm scared of losing sight of myself. He's the only person, and I dare say that even now, he's the only person who gives me the best advice and who can make me feel a million times better about everything.

I guess I have a long way to go too, huh.

There is a game I like to play - I like to hit the town on Friday night, and stay in bed until Sunday.

We used to be so free, we would be living for the love we had, living not for reality.

There was a time I used to pray, I have always kept my faith in love, it's the greatest thing from the man above. The game I used to play, I've always put my cards upon the table, let it never be said that I'd be unstable.

Because even your fantasy of me, isn't interested in you.

I'm kinda sleepy and happy. I like Philosophy. I wish I could actually do it. It really makes me rack my brains and think. Admittedly, most of the time I don't understand what the philosophers are going on about but that's probably because I haven't gotten it just yet. What 'it' is, I don't know. But I sure would love to find out!

"But if you see them, when they open up like the statues, if you go behind their surface, you'll realize that no other arguments make any sense. They're truly worthy of a god, bursting with figures of virtue inside. They're of great - no, of the greatest - importance for anyone who wants to become a truly good man."

I really cannot wait for the bellydance workshop! It's been ages since I last attended a dance class and I really can't wait! Honestly? I don't see anything wrong with learning exotic dances or lap dances or what nots. You're merely exploring your sexuality. I would love to attend one of those classes. I wouldn't perform it for just about anyone [=P] but I think it's all in the name of fun. Good, clean fun.

But you know what? I think I really can't dance in front of guys! I figure I'm just not used to it. It feels weird, anyhow. I can dance in front of girls, for girls and with girls but when guys are around? Things feel a little strange.

But damn, I miss sweating it out. =)

"I want you on my team."

"So does everybody else."

I've got the blues big time tonight.

It's hard holding you, loving you, losing you.

I wish someone would think I'm worth it enough to actually fight for me.

Any takers? I'm all yours.

Oh I found myself and ran away.

Funnily enough, I was scared to read through my diary. My personal, written one. Why? I didn't want to 'face up' to whatever emotions I had been going through and realize how much I had changed. It's funny because I had really been avoiding reading my diary. Then I decided tonight's a good time as any to read it again.

Let's see. The last time I update was on the 7th of October. I used to be a consistent updater. But I stopped then. Guess I was too scared to 'face up' to whatever I was feeling too.

I haven't updated because I don't want to 'face up' to whatever I'm feeling right now either. Hmmmmm.

Just now, I cut my finger on my balcony door. Blood was really spurting out! It spurted onto my face, and splattered onto my floor! Went to the toilet, my sister helped me with the wound and by then, I was really nauseous and dizzy. Was a little scared and I'm embarrassed to admit that I was scared. Can't imagine how much blood must have been 'gushing' out when my sister stabbed her palm.

But now I'm okay. My finger's all bundled up though. =) Snug as a bug in a rug!

When people bitch, it isn't pretty.

When people bitch because they are jealous or because of unfounded reasons, it really isn't pretty.

Takes a stronger [wo]man to just walk away from it all.

Today I drove my mom's car! Ooh, met my instructor. He looked really happy to see me [even though at that time my mom was the one behind the wheel] because before my test, we had talked about me driving past in my mom's new car and waving at him, haha.

So AFTER collecting my licence, like the good law-abiding citizens that we are, THEN I drove. Hell yeah!

My mom was the apprehensive one, she was the one who was reluctant on me driving but I really wanted to try and I was familiar with the roads at Ubi, anyway.

Everything was going great..until she wanted me to go by the PIE. Then our roles were reversed and I was the apprehensive one and she insisted I go by PIE because she didn't want to endure all the traffic lights.

On the PIE itself..our roles were reversed again. I was like, "Mom! I'm doing 80!" and she was, "Slow down! Drive at 60!" to which I refused because I didn't want to get fined for road hogging [that's an inside joke].

Oh! While driving past my aunt's house, on the way home, I pressed the horn because I wanted to grab her attention and the horn was so soft and meek. So cute! Hyundai Getz is already such a small and cute car, and the sound the horn makes is so cute too! And her entire family came out. Initially it was my baby cousin Amirah waving from the balcony, then my aunt and my other cousin appeared at the door waving. Yay!

Yeppp, that's all, folks. =) I really want to gain more confidence on the road. Which means..I have to drive more!! =D

Hooray to the end of the exams.
[Well, not quite. I end on Monday.]

I say love, it is a flower...
And you it's only seed.

I heard the song The Rose recently. It holds special meaning to some of us. =) Cedar days were one of the best days of my life. Anyway, guess what, folks? I passed my driving! This time around, I was a little psyched because I felt I was ready - compared to my first attempt - I was alot more confident. My weak point was my test road driving, especially when it came to changing lanes [what with the traffic at that hour!], but hey, I did it! But I was really scared too..because I couldn't bear to break it to my mom specifically, if I were to fail. Actually had nightmares about it last night you know!

I had the same tester as my first time. How unlucky! I really dislike him! Everytime I go for driving lessons, if I bump into him, I'd look away and pray that I never got him again. When he entered the waiting room and said my name, I wasn't even looking at him. He had to say it twice before I got up. Grrrr. And while driving..he made so many comments! So many times I wanted to justify myself but I had to really bite my lip to keep my mouth shut. Double grrrr.

LUCKILY, he let me pass. If not I think I'd really curse him like crazy. And all the ticks he gave me were for silly little stuff! I bet he just wanted to find fault with me. Oooh. This time around, I was worried about circuit because I hadn't been practising much of it. But it went okay. =D Didn't accumulate any points there. And throughout the test road, I was like, "Just a little more, please, God, don't let me do anything stupid." Hahaha.

My instructor shook my hand after my test. Yay! When I was complaining about the tester, he kidded about bringing me back to the tester to fail me since I was complaining so much. Even on my way out of the circuit, I was actually afraid that I would bump into that tester and he would change his mind and decide to fail me!

Soo cannot wait for my license. =D I guess November's ending well for me. =)

2 am and she calls me
Cause I'm still awake,
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake -
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season.

Is there no end to procrastinating? I just spent the past 24 hours finishing up another Cathy Kelly which Noreen borrowed recently. Yay, I love her novels. Even though the plot is cliched [it's about how initially everything goes wrong for each character and how in the end, everything works out well for them and they're happy and content with their lives], I just love it because it reminds me that there IS a happy ever after.

La-di-da. Going to the beach tonight, yay!

If I get it all down on paper, its no longer inside of me, threatening the life they belong to.

Life is strange when you're a fan.

It's the morning of my second paper. I'm not really prepared but I'll take a quick breather to update.

I hate this. I hate being here. I hate that you have to be here. I hate that there's evil. And that I was chosen to fight it. I wish a whole lot of the time that I hadn't been. I know a lot of you wish I hadn't been either. But this isn't about wishes. This is about choices. I believe we can beat this evil. Not when it comes, not when its army's ready, now. Tomorrow morning, I'm opening the seal. I'm going down into the Hellmouth and I am finishing this once and for all. Right now you're asking yourselves what makes this different. What makes us any more than a bunch of girls getting picked off one by one. That's true. None of you have the power that Faith and I do. So here's the part where you make a choice.

What if you could have that power... now? In every generation, one slayer is born... because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men.

This woman is more powerful than all of them combined. So I say we change the rule. I say my power... should be our power. Tomorrow, Willow will use the essence of the scythe to change our destiny.

From now on, every girl in the world who might be a slayer... will be a slayer. Every girl who could have the power... will have the power... can stand up, will stand up. Slayers... every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?

Theres' oceans in between us but that's not very far.

Well, well. Been a while, hasn't it?

Let's see. Econs paper is down. Four more modules to go and this time tomorrow? It'll be just three left. Yay. =) I can't say I'm proud of my efforts for Econs because I didn't study much for it. I started on Wednesday, moved on into Thursday but stopped then because I was too worried for the paper so I kind of 'switched off'. Very bad, I know.

I signed up for the bellydance workshops - the one organized by Nurul Huda. What the heck - I'll just give it a go, and support a friend at the same time. I've always wanted to pick up the sport but my parents were really against it - they insisted it was too..suggestive. Or something along those lines, heh heh.

All that aside? My mind is clear. I'm really happy.

Well, I was. Now I'm not as happy as before but I guess I'm still riding on the feeling of high from earlier today.

Basking in your after-glow..

Falling back to me, the star that I can see -

Maybe it's a lot like your world. Maybe it's nothing like it. But, if you look closely you might see someone like you. Someone trying to find their way; someone trying to find their place; someone trying to find their self. Sometimes it's easy to feel like you’re the only one in the world who's struggling, who's frustrated, or unsatisfied at barely getting by. But, that feeling is a lie and if you just hold on; just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find the way and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes, someone to help us hear the music in the world. To remind us that it won't always be this way. That someone is out there, and that someone will find you.

Ain't nothing but a heartache -

It may be over but it won't stop there, I am here for you if you'd only care. You touched my heart you touched my soul. You changed my life and all my goals. And love is blind and that I knew when, my heart was blinded by you. I've kissed your lips and held your head. Shared your dreams and shared your bed. I know you well, I know your smell. I've been addicted to you.

I am a dreamer but when I wake, You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,remember us and all we used to be. I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile. I've watched you sleeping for a while. I'd be the father of your child. I'd spend a lifetime with you. I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine, and I love you, I swear that's true. I cannot live without you.

And I still hold your hand in mine. In mine when I'm asleep. And I will bear my soul in time, when I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Happy 19th, me.

So go ahead and get gone -

Cause the truth of the matter is
I won't lose a wink of sleep
Baby, I won't shed a tear for you
How about I'll be nothing
Nothing at all to you
So since I'm not your everything.

Finally. Peace of mind. It's better this way, really. =) Now I can remove the external factor and concentrate on my life and the people important to me.

Things to do before I turn 21:

- pierce my navel [I want to do this on my 19th birthday!]
- skinny dip in the sea [and not a private pool]
- buy myself a diamond-something

...to be added on.

In Best of Friends by Cathy Kelley, one of the characters, Lizzie is in her late-forties but she decided, after her marriage broke down, to start living her life for her and not for her daughter or ex-husband. She had been living her life for far too long playing the role of a dutiful wife, mother and friend that now she decided to just..step back from it all and live her life all over again, doing things that she wants without letting anyone hold her back.

What spurred on my to-do list? Shafiq asked me what the craziest/wildest thing that I had ever done was and I was at a loss for words. But I decided not to just want to do crazy/wild things but also do things that..well, that I want to do. Just for the heck of it.

=)

On a sidenote, I never knew the phrase "I think therefore I am" had such a long history behind it.

Cause you and I both loved

We said that we were going to study hard,
we held our books instead of hands,
she held a blanket over cans of beer,
I can't deny I was so full of fear.

It's just another story caught up in another photograph I found.
and it seems like another person lived that life a great many years ago from now,

When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.
when I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.

I forgot to mention what I had for dinner. I had lemon chicken, crispy baby squid with pineapple and hotplate egg tofu with mushrooms. =)

I also had a fun time reading out my German dialogue to everyone and seeing how confused they are, haha.

Anyway yay, I feel happy. I'm about to open up CLEO [yesh I know, it's almost time for a new AND I've weaned myself off the magazine-addiction phase for a few months already but I reallyy just wanted to indulge myself in girly delights for a moment.

It's never really easy but it's okay.

I'm just a girl, not yet a woman. I'm a little messed up but you can bet that I'll be awesome. =) So! don't! worry! about! me!

See, you and me have a better time than most can dream
Have it better than the best
And so can pull on through whatever tears at us, whatever holds us down
And if nothing can be done,
We'll make the best of what's around


--------------------------

And it's okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang.

I must admit it's getting pretty tiresome having to type a password every time I want to view my blog. But I very much need some personal space to air my thoughts for now.

WELL. German oral. I guess it wasn't that good.. I would do some things differently - specifically speak much much more slowly and be alot calmer.

Am not too happy with my Philosophy paper grade either. Hmmm.

It's only beginning, isn't it?

But I'm not allowed to be gloomy in November. =)

A little respect..

I tried to discover a little something to make me sweeter,
Oh baby refrain from breaking my heart.

I just had a shower and I smell like Vanilla + Caramel. After this, I'm going to apply Cocoa Butter cream so..I'll smell like Cocoa Butter!

I'll probably taste weird and all chemical-y but I don't care, I smell good! Anyhoo..I'm okay I think. This week has been a pretty bad week especially since tomorrow I have a PS test [which I have not studied for] and on Friday, I have a PS presentation and a German dialog test. It doesn't end there, though. The following Monday, I have two papers to submit and I have to prepare the German shopkeeping list and on Wednesday, I have a German test.

Is it any wonder I haven't been very okay?

I just can't wait for Friday to end, albeit the workload I still have. I guess I deserve it - been procrastinating too much..enjoying too much of supposed 'free time'. Insyallah, I'll do okay.

I'm a little messed up but I just know I'll be okay soon. And I'm going to be 19 soon! And after I turn 19, so will Baby Adi-wadi-lah. It's November. My favourite month. =) Really. You're not allowed to be gloomy in November. Everything about the month is awesome.

I don't know what I'd do without you. You, you and you. =)

I love Sophia Bush. I think she's gorgeous because she has that twinkle in her eyes.

Crash

It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. Here, nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

I have always loved you
There's never been anyone else
I knew you before I knew myself
Oh my baby, I have always loved you
Years go by in a matter of days
And though we go separate ways
I never stop dreaming of you
I have always loved you.

Hero

Would you dance if I asked you to dance?
Would you run and never look back
Would you cry if you saw me crying
Would you save my soul tonight?

Would you tremble if I touched your lips?
Would you laugh oh please tell me these
Now would you die for the one you love?
Hold me in your arms tonight?

I can be you hero baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away

Would you swear that you'll always be mine?
Would you lie would you run away
Am I in to deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care you're here tonight

I just want to hold you
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
Well I don't care you're here tonight

You can take my breath my breath away
I can be your hero

You gotta be bad
You gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard
You gotta be tough
You gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool
You gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know all I know is that love will save the day.

I like this line from the movie 'Perfect Score': You weren't good at being someone else's boyfriend, you were great being yourself.

Uh oh.

I have so many songs now thanks to Kamal! Haha yay.

Now I have alot of PS readings to cover and I haven't started! Uh oh. How now, brown cow?

But listening to so many of my once-favourite songs is making me happy. (:

Anything she can do I can do better.

You're superficial
I'm a misfit
But baby, that's ok.

Take your love and hit the road.

I want body art, piercings, wild, spiky hair.

Okay, seriously.

I want to have red highlights, pierce my bellybutton and maybe my nose, draw some nice pictures on my body.

Stand By Me

When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we'll see
No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me

And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me

If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
And the mountains should crumble to the sea
I won't cry, I won't cry, no I won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand, stand by me

And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me, stand by mee, yeah

Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

Darlin', darlin', stand by me-e, stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

Man I feel like mold -
It's prom night and I am lonely, lo and behold -
She's walking over to me, this must be fake,
My lip starts to shake.
How does she know who I am?
Why does she give a damn about me?

I've got two tickets to Iron Maiden, baby.
Come with me Friday, don't say maybe.
I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby...like you. ooh.
ooh yeah...dirtbag.
No she doesn't know what she's missing.

Major talk-session in progress with Adi-wadi-lah. I feel soo much better now. All my girls, stand in a circle and clap your hands - this is for you. I love my bestie! Haha.

I'm glad I was in a girls' school for as long as I was. It was so much fun then - being in an all girls environment..not having to care about how you sit or where you change after PE and being able to scream and cheer your lungs out.

Rage, rage, against the dying of the light. Even our form teacher allied with us against some of the male teachers. Haha I'm currently updating amidst serving guests.

Ciaoz!

Go figure.

Damn! Why wasn't I at home when either Lulu or Este visited? :(

I'm still wowed by the movie 'Crash'. I suppose it shows the ugliness of Man and how we've all become so detached from each other. Of course to show the ugliness, the movie has to also show the beautiful aspects of the human spirit. What makes life worth living?

Apart from all that, the fact that I have alot of readings which I have! to! catch! up! on! and the fact that I'm very tired but there are alot more families coming tonight..I am very happy.

=)

I wanna learn all about chemistry
Won't you show me everything you've learned
I'll memorize everything you do to me so I can
Teach it when it comes my turn.

The Good Kind

Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind.
No, it's not the good kind.
No, you're not the good kind.

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding,
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding.
There are many things that I would like to say to you -
But I don't know how.
Because maybe you're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all, you're my wonderwall.


Remind me to live and to not just go through the motions of everyday life. I want to feel the fucking wind in my hair once again.

I think you're the same as me.
We see things they'll never see.
You and I are gonna live forever..we're gonna live forever.

Shahrul's a sweetheart. (: This was what came for me this morning at about 9am.

I love fresh flowers. I love him.

And he loves me too. So much that he's letting me do this.

I love it when they try to get scandalous even though they know they really can't handle it.

Desire me and know that you cannot have me.

I cannot be down listening to that song! And not when tomorrrow's Hari Raya. It's actually fun cleaning the house, shifting furniture, trying to get the cats to stay off the carpet. =D

Chak! BOO! Chak! BOO!

Ohhhh my God. Hahaha =)

I'll shine up my high-heeled shoes, put on a brand-new shirt.
I'll get home early from work if you say that you love me.

The song is so catchy and infectious. It makes me feel like jumping on my bed and doing a silly, crazy dance. Pom poms? Why not? [Bon bons?] I want to do the dance Torrance did to the guy's demo.

=)

My cousin's first born. I cannot believe how tiny he is and how in love with him I am. =)

Take your sweet, sweet time..

I will be here when you change your mind
Take your sweet, sweet time
I will be here for you baby
Anytime

I'm feeling you pull away
'Cause letting go isn't easy for me
But you'll never fly
With someone else's wings, I know
Wherever you go

Yay! I just received two hari raya text messages. =)

I enjoyed Before Sunset more than I enjoyed Before Sunrise. Haha a closet romantic, ay? But really, I love the sequel more. It seems more real somehow..I guess because they're not as idealistic as before. The emotional connection between them is just so intense.

Anyhoo I'm happy. I think it's a feel-good movie [I guess it's just the happy feeling you get from seeing two people connect] and I just had a workout to Deja Vu and Run It so I think the endorphins are giving me a high. Yepps. And Hari Raya's coming! I love Hari Raya mornings - waiting for my dad to return from the mosque before having breakfast together as a family.

I shopped alot yesterday and Shah was surprisingly good company. He was so patient - even helping me compare shoes from different stores and trying to think of a good top to match my skirt. Haha thanks. =)

Past few days have been intense and not in a good way. I'll just sit back and take things one day at a time. So yes, dear friends, I'm happy. I'm relaxed and I'm more than content with my life - I'm happy. I think I tend to over-analyze my life, so much so that sometimes I forget to live it. I'm going to have to constantly remind myself to stop over-analyzing but it's okay. I'm a tough cookie. I'm good. =)

Also, from the number of hits this site has, and from all the talk I've been hearing..alot of people have been visiting my blog. I've never been a big fan of saying stuff like "It's my blog, I can say whatever I want" because I know that what's blogged is public, and what's public affects others. So yeah. I just want to say that I'm not bothered by the unwanted visits. I can't be bothered. Well, I care enough to post this paragraph in response but in general, I don't care. As Oprah said, "There's only one thing worse than being talked about..and that's not being talked about." =)

Sometimes I catch myself staring into space,
counting the hours until I get to see your face.

Auf Widersehen!

People can have an affair or even an entire relationship. They break up and move on like they would change random serials. I've never been able to forget anyone I've been with. Cause each person has their own specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What's lost is lost.

Sounds familiar, huh?

All she could hear was her heartbeat and Pat Benatar warning her - Heartbreaker... love taker.

Finally he said, "You're not scared of me, are you, Victoria?"

"Scared?" she said, too loud, as if she were some parrot who could only mimic words. She shrugged, wishing she could say, No, I'm not scared of you. I'm scared of these feelings.

"Don't be scared." And he gave her that slow smile, the one she'd first seen at mini golf the night she'd celebrated her thirteenth birthday.

- Summer Sisters

My birthday is coming! =)

Kay I know it's a long way away but STILL. That once-in-a-lifetime date is looming! And you know what I really want for my birthday? Yepp, you know. I know you know because I've probably mentioned it before and really, I only want that. Yeah that. That that that! That.

I'm not making much sense, I know. But I really want that. That would be the best present ever because it would mean that you have actually listened to me. But I doubt anyone would give me that. Not now, anyway. But they're gorgeous and I want nothing but that.

Reallyy.

Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days.

Cos I'm drawn to this danger ohh and it's making me mad.

I'm sleepy. I just want to relax tonight. Sit outside, lounge around in the garden..play with my cats, write in my diary.

I'll keep you out of my dreams if you keep me out of yours. (:

Many faces I have seen
Many places I have been
Walked the deserts, swam the shores [Coming closer to you]
Many faces I have known
Many ways in which I've grown
Movin closer on my own [Coming closer to you]

Do that with me.

Now love's a broken record that's been skipping in my head,
I keep singing yesterday - why we have to play these games we play

I ain't tripping, I'm just missing you. You know what I'm saying, you know what I mean. Every now and then when I'm all alone, I'd be wishing that you would call me on the telephone. Say you want me back but you never do. I feel like such a fool, there's nothing I can do. I'm such a fool for you.

[A very random update.]

I suddenly feel very bleargh.

Maybe a greater thing will happen, maybe all will see. Maybe our love will catch like fire, as it burns through me.

What a beautiful smile, can you stay for a while?

My beautiful love..

Before Sunrise is one of the sweetest movies I have ever seen. Initially, honestly..I found it a tad boring but after a while, it was intriguing. Basically it's about how two people fall in love with each other after spending just one night together, talking.

It's a very..thinking movie. It's not like any other love story where you can sit back and enjoy the cliched plot. This one seems really like the conversation two people who don't know each other would really have.

On the way, there's the mutual sharing of hopes, jokes, dreams, worry and wonder. It's a day to linger in the memories. And a valentine to young love forever.

[Oh! The best part was that I actually understood abiit of the German phrases, lol.]

Feels like, I'm standing in a timeless dream
Of light mists, of pale amber rose
Feels like, I'm lost in a deep cloud of heavenly scent
Touching, discovering you

Those days, of warm rains come rushing back to me
Miles of windless, summer night air
Secret moments, shared in the heat of the afternoon
Out of the stillness, soft spoken words

I love you, always forever
Near and far, closer together
Everywhere, I will be with you
Everyday, I will devour you
I love you, always forever
Near and far, closer together
Everywhere, I will be with you
Everyday, I will devour you

You've got, the most unbelievable
blue eyes I've ever seen
You've got, me almost melt away
As we lay there, under a blue sky
with pure white stars
Exotic sweetness, a magical time

Say you'll love, love me forever
Never stop, not for whatever
Near and far and always and
everywhere and everything

Say you'll love, love me forever
Never stop, not for whatever
Near and far and always and
everywhere and everything

Say you'll love, love me forever
Never stop, not for whatever
Near and far and always and
everywhere and everything

Smack that -

There is no secret to letting your little light shine. You were born shining. You are a star. You have stardust in your DNA that came down through the eons to you from what scientists call the "big bang" way back when our universe began beginning - and so shining is your cosmological heritage. It is neither your fault nor to your great credit. It is your nature. And within you is the potential for greatness - your own particular kind of greatness. So letting your little light shine is just a matter of being true to yourself. It is not rocket science - it's doing what comes naturally to you.

How come everytime you come around,
My London, London bridge, wanna go down like -

Hey ho! Guess who finally has internet access again! Haha

It's been fun having Adilah bunk in with me at my cousin's apartment. She's so nice by the way! Stocked up the fridge with pizza, chocolate chip cookies [which we finished], juices, chocolates and ice cream! =)

But this can't keep up or we'll both get very fat, what with Fong Seng just across the road and the discovery of banana cheese prata. Haha.

I ordered the brownie cake from a booth at the bazaar in the forum just now. Hopefully my mom'll like the mini-surprise. Hehe..it's fun surprising people and seeing their reactions.

I want to shop tomorrow. I want to buy the Strawberry bath wash from BodyShop and try to find the Vanilla one. Next to my cousin's bathtub was so many nice&yummy-sounding bubble bath washes which she got from Marks and Spencers. I waanttt!

And I'm so hungryy. I can't wait to finally eat home-cooked food again. This year is the first time ever [barring prom] I buka-ed outside. It's not that fun. My sisters used to buka outside alot and I used the be the only one stuck at home, wishing I could actually buka outside. Now that I can, I realize that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Also, I cannot wait to have Shahrul back. Been having so many girl-talk sessions with Adilah which helped me vent what I'm feeling. Hudy and Liza's boyfriends will be entering NS next year. Shahrul has a little left to go before commissioning. And in two years time, he'll be joining me. Am I happy? Honestly? It's hard hanging on. Sometimes I think too much about things then I remember his face at a particular moment or something especially sweet and caring that he's done for me and then I remember that it's all worth it.

It's easy to question a relationship. Don't judge me for that. But when you start questioning it and at the same time, you're still hanging on, that's when I hope you realize that deep inside - you know that what you have is worth hanging on for.

[From Meghna's blog:]

"Just because you can't say something doesn't mean you don't want to, you can want to very much. You can be with a person and be happy with them, and not love them, or you can love someone and not want to be with them. You don't need to love someone...to want them.

Well, it's frustrating.

When what your brain tells you what you want and what you actually want dont match up, it's exhausting. And it's complicated. Well, that's life and life...sucks."

-Grey's Anatomy

And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok -
Yeah I try to believe you,
But I don't.

Give me a little time,
Leave me alone for a little while,
Maybe it's not too late -
not today, today, today, today, today.

I'm feeling very very tired right now. There's so many chapters to study for Econs! So many that I don't know where to start. Hmmmm.

Studies aside, I feel confused all over again. But it's for a different reason this time. This time it's the 'cookie dough' thing that I'm facing. I don't know. Maybe it'll get better soon. Hopefully.

I reallyyy want to go to the beach. I really really want to blade then find a quiet spot to clear my mind.

And I know, I'm not ready. Maybe tomorrow.

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind.

Oh I found myself and ran away.

I wish Shahrul was in NUS already. I can't wait for him to experience all that I'm experiencing, to make new friends and discover new things. It's so much fun to have the same circle of friends, to enjoy doing things in a group together. We never really had that.

Damn NS for taking my boyfriend away from me.

He just called me and halfway through the conversation asked me to check Soccernet for him. Haha, some things will never change.

Raise your voice.

So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me.

Private Emotion

Every endless night has a dawning day
Every darkest sky has a shining ray
And it shines on you baby can't you see
You're the only one who can shine for me

It's a private emotion that fills you tonight
And a silence falls between us
As the shadows steal the light
And wherever you may find it
Wherever it may lead
Let your private emotion come to me
Come to me

When your soul is tired and your heart is weak
Do you think of love as one way street
Well it runs both ways, open up your eyes
Can't you see me here, how can you deny

Every endless night has a dawning day
Every darkest sky has a shining ray
It takes a lot to laugh as your tears go by
But you can find me here till your tears run dry

Today after buka, I read through my diary. The written one.

So many entries, so many thoughts, so many emotions.

Can't believe I encountered all that and I can't believe how funny I sounded trying to give both sides of a story and trying to see things from a different perspective. Of course, it all seems so silly now.

Silly but funny and heartwarming. (:

I wonder if Shahrul is making 'water bombs' right now.

From the number of times I've updated my blog today, well..you can really see how very bored I am.

Last night was fun eating the peach strudel at Ritz. Thanks for introducing us to the place, Shaza! Haha the place itself was very nice too. Despite being beside the road, it had a very relaxing atmosphere. Felt like I could have stayed there for almost forever. =)

I like to feel his eyes on me when I look away.

I have yet to find my baju raya.

I want to star-gaze.

I want a picnic under the stars. Eat lasagna, strawberries, peaches and sit barefoot on a blanket under the stars. [okay i'll add a moon in my daydream for shaza!]

I want to go for Starlight Cinema. Even though my friends who went before didn't really like it, I just want to.

Okay? =)

I've seen it all
It was never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you ~*

I just checked IVLE and...

BHAM! 2 upcoming German tests.

I can't believe I didn't learn my lesson after being free of Malay. Heh.

I see you, the only one who knew me
But now your eyes see through me
I guess I was wrong.

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

The predator:


The unsuspecting prey:

Shaza sent me an email. So sweet of her. Haha..I'm lucky to have them. =)

I feel very confused. Have been feeling very confused these past few days. But for some reason, I feel so much better tonight. I feel like I just want to be alone to sort out everything that has been going on - sometimes, my life revolves too fast for my own good - but at the same time, I feel as though everything will turn out all right in the end and that I don't have to be sad anymore. =)

I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I've not yet become a cookie for whoever it is, to eat me.

Girl, put your records on.

Three little birds, sat on my window.
And they told me I don't need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon -
So sweet,
Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.

Maybe sometimes, we got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
Oh, don't you hesitate.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Blue as the sky, sombre and lonely,
Sipping tea in the bar by the road side,
(just relax, just relax)
Don't you let those other boys fool you,
Gotta love that afro hairdo.

Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright
The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change.
Don't you think it's strange?

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Just more than I could take, pity for pity's sake
Some nights kept me awake, I thought that I was stronger
When you gonna realise, that you don't even have to try any longer.
Do what you want to.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Oh, You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow

Iris

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together -
Our hands would not be taught to hold another's
Cause we are the special two.

** the story of kambing and katak ** says:
i just thought, hey its 1 wk already
** the story of kambing and katak ** says:
and shahira still hasn't complained much
[no mes puedo controlar] says:
i'm complaining now
[no mes puedo controlar] says:
=(
[no mes puedo controlar] says:
when i hear his voice..it feels like my heart is gonna break..i just miss him so much.

Of surprises and happy endings (:

It was an impromptu birthday surprise for the original babe giler herself - Huda! We surprised her at TJ, in the library with the help of Azimah and Nur.

Were so excited when we reached TJ that we couldn't keep still. Azimah met us outside the library and Nur's job was to distract her so that she couldn't see us coming up the stairs. Nur's distraction was really really good - Huda's back was turned when we crept up behind her and when she saw us, she screamed [luckily it wasn't so loud!] and started to tear up. After all the hugs were exchanged, we went down to the Scope to watch Stay Alive. (:

Those two were very funny. Kept screaming while watching the movie. I'd watched it the night before and they were like, "Will she die? Okay no, don't tell me. No wait. Will she die?!" and "She can't die! She can't die!" and finally..."Oh no! She died..that's so sad." Hahahahaha.

But yeah. It was an awesome day. After the movie we sat on the stage opposite the hawker center and had a ball of a time just talking and cracking jokes. An absolute must to do this again.

All my girls, stand up in a circle and clap your hands this is for you -
Ups and downs, highs and lows no matter what you see me through.

I can't read you, I wish I knew what's going through your mind.
Can't touch you - your heart's protected..I get left behind.

Not Afraid

Driving down the one way road
Some courage and the radio
We're driving 'til our eyes can't see
Tonight we'll leave this world behind
No traffic lights and no stop signs
Tonight the road is all we need

We're not afraid, we're not alone
We're just losers on this open road
Can't go back, can't go home
Til we find what we're living for
Is there something good, and something more,
Is there anything worth dying for?
Tonight, you're all that I need

This highway's full of burned out cars
Broken dreams and broken hearts
This highway is a wrecking ball
Oh
Tonight's a long, long way from home
These headlights shine on broken bones
Tonight we need some new heroes

We're not afraid, we're not alone
We're just losers on this open road
Can't go back, can't go home
Til we find what we're living for
Is there something good, and something more,
Is there anything worth dying for?
Tonight, you're all that I need

Oh,
Something good, something more,
Something that's worth dying for
We wanted more; we wanted this
We wanted the simple things I guess I guess, I guess
It's like the stars are falling out, it's like the sky hits the ground
It's like the wind that is calm;
It's like an earthquake and it makes no sound
But, we're there, we're almost there

Something about yesterday night,
Keeps replaying over, over, over.
You are the sweetest wine,
and I'm just a cup running over and over again.
Because you've got that something,
something that's just like me.
I can't put my finger on it..this chemistry,
We agree.

Yesterday I met Alvin at TM. He's so funny! I was leaning against the wall, waiting for my sis when I got his sms: Are you wearing pink and standing in TM? So I called him and told him I wasn't wearing pink but red.

We met up. Had so much fun talking! It was full of crap, jokes about racism, recalling some of our old friends and bringing back the old memories. Fuuh! First three months in TJ was fun fun fun!

Of course, even then, I skipped everything. Hahah I remember being in the MCS room, playing chess with Izzat [and winning..over and over again..haha!], dance practices which were alot of fun because of all the merepek moments and skipping lessons!

Yay. Darren's sending me alot of songs. Haha =)

sha says:
eh! lets form a small group...
[no mes puedo controlar] says:
u borrow his car
sha says:
then we go jalan jalan cari makan..
[no mes puedo controlar] says:
yeah
sha says:
borrow??
sha says:
hahhaha
sha says:
he let ke?
[no mes puedo controlar] says:
haha just take ah
[no mes puedo controlar] says:
then run
[no mes puedo controlar] says:
eh no need
[no mes puedo controlar] says:
just drive
[no mes puedo controlar] says:
then let him run

Honey grilled chicken!

Courtesy of my sis. =)

---

Happy fasting, y'all!

Elder cats give us the gift of time when no one else has any to spare. Like elder humans, they touch us with their fragility, wisdom, sweetness and comforting warmth. They curl up close by to be near us. They lay on us when we feel sick or depressed. Old cats ask for little in return, perhaps craving only a little more attention as the years pass. By example, they share basic lessons about life and death - that it is okay to slow down and smell the catnip, that we have no choice but to grow old too. Older cats teach us about inner listening and watching. They spend more hours sleeping. Some even believe they begin their journey with small trips to the other side when they sleep. In the end, senior cats teach us patience and courage, how to let go gracefully and finally, how to heal and begin again.

Angel Undercover

I'm in the balcony, watching the rain fall. Gandos is supposed to be sitting on the sofa with me but my mom and sis ambushed us and stole her, haha.

I haven't updated a proper entry for very long. Which is pretty weird considering the amount of free time I have. What have I been doing in my free time?

Well, Shah's left for Taiwan. I was too sleepy when he called me telling me he was leaving. It was only yesterday but I already miss him.

Life is tricky business. Everything about it is. I wish it was like in the movies and everything can be so uncomplicated. Even if it were complicated, you know there'd be a happy ending. And even if there wasn't a happy ending, you know that it's all fake and the actors go home happy with their big fat paychecks.

What are my plans for today? Initially I wanted to watch a movie but the weather's so cold and I don't have anyone to huddle up to in the cold cold cinema, haha. Which reminds me. I'm supposed to touch Adilah more. =)

Now I want to revamp my room. Move my study table into the balcony even though there's no privacy here.

Dreams last for so long, even after you're gone.
I know you love me and soon you will see -
You were meant for me...and I was meant for you

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you but you look at me
like maybe I'm an angel underneath - innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm going to extremes
tomorrow I will change
and today won't mean a thing

Just when you think you've got me figured out
the season's already changing
I think it's cool you do what you do
and don't try to save me

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
when you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numbed, I'm revived
can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

I don't know what to say.

Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life.
I'd rather be anything but ordinary, please.

Nope. Still don't know what to say.

I broke my fast with Shah and his classmates. They're so funnyy. Kept calling me Shakira. As in, they really called me Shakira with a straight face throughout the night.

I miss blading. Hmmm. When I stayed at Eunos, it was just a short ride to the beach. I want to blade again! Even though I cannot stop. And even though I usually fall. Haha..but I don't fall all the time!

The best time we bladed..was when Theresa and Zibs came along with us. We were supposed to blade for two hours but after several times of falling, someone decided to switch to cycling after just an hour. Haha. I think at that time I was fasting and I got carried away with all the fun and at the end of the two hours, I nearly died. It was only 5pm at that time, and really, it became my worst-fasting-day. Haha.

Oh Victoria, Victoria...

- Did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

I want to stay up all night and just..I don't know..talk. I miss talking. I want to stay up late with a bag of chocolate, huddle close together and talk. Is it so hard to just talk?

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken, your best friend always sticking up for you - even when I know you're wrong. Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversations, the best soy latte that you ever had . . . . and me.

I want to put the magic back in my life.

Then I see you standing there, wanting more from me and all I can do is try.

I really can't sort out what I'm feeling right now. I wish people would be more appreciative of me and people would stop judging me..

It's hard. But it's my decision and mine alone..and whatever I decide will have it's consequences.

Oh why can't I be a simple girl with a simple heart?

Haven't you heard that I'm going to be okay?

Just my Imagination.

There was a game we used to play
We would hit the town on friday night
And stay in bed until sunday
We used to be so free
We were living for the love we had and
Living not for reality

It was just my imagination
There was a time I used to pray
I have always kept my faith in love
It's the greatest thing from the man above
The game I used to play
I've always put my cards upon the table
Let it never be said that I'd be unstable

It was just my imagination
There is a game I like to play
I like to hit the town on friday night
And stay in bed until sunday
We'll always be this free
We will be living for the love we have
Living not for reality

It's not my imagination.

I still remember the time,
When this all felt like a dream.
So completely out of reach,
Frustrating.

We kept our nose to the grind,
Make the days turn into weeks.
Hoping time will heal the pain,
Of waiting.

Now it seems so long ago.

Just look back on,
How far we've come.
We've made it somehow,
Look where we are now.

All we've done,
Our battles won.
We've made it somehow,
Look where we are now.

I used to wonder if I,
Would ever have the chance to be,
Something more than what you see.
I doubt it.

We learned to open our eyes,
Now I both think we'd agree,
That we're better off than when we started.

There's still so much left to go..

Just look back on,
How far we've come.
We've made it somehow,
Look where we are now.

All we've done,
Our battles won.
We've made it somehow,
Look where we are now.

And the best is yet to come.
'cause our story isn't done.

I slept at 3am! Only to wake up at 5am to groggily eat then fall asleep again, lol. Tomorrow I won't do so groggily. I'll wake up, enjoy the company of my family members and loiter around downstairs [although I may think I'm full] before going upstairs to pray and then sleep. Hahah.

I don't think anyone really understands what I'm feeling about my life right now and it's best I just sort out the mess in my head myself. (:

Followed Shah to buy a webcam among other very gadget-y things at Funan just now. Can you believe it? I actually fell asleep at the place, haha.

Happy fasting, y'all. (:

Another day goes without any change
The feeling we live with still remains
We're stuck in a hole and we're searching for anything to hold on to
There has to be somewhere that we can be safe from the lives we live each day
There has to be somewhere that we can be far away...

We have to escape and I will go anywhere if you just lead the way
Escape to a place where we'll be together, together everyday
We have to escape....

We could be living how we wanted to
Instead of doing things we're forced to do
With no one to tell us that we should be going through, what they went through
There has to be some place that nobody knows, somewhere we can only go
There has to be some place that we can be all alone....

We have to escape...

Do you know, that everytime you're near,
Everybody else seems far away.
So can you come and make them disappear?
Make them disappear so we can stay.

We have to escape, and I will go anywhere - if you just lead the way. Escape to a place where we'll be together.

My entire room is in a mess. But I don't feel like cleaning it up. It matches the confusion going on in my head right now. Grrr. I feel so bleargh tonight. Endorphins! I need you!

I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I'd love for you to love me. I'm begging you to beg me.

I have to prepare my Philosophy paper, prepare for German test, prepare for Econs test. And that's only because I'm not very sure when the other two modules have their tests.

Hello, meet my kids - Disaster and Calamity.

------

I'll let you whip me if I misbehave.

Adilah + Zul + Lulu + Shaza + Shahrul + Great bbq food [I hope!] = Euphoria.

=)

It was so much fun playing all those silly little games with them. Shah and I have never really met each other's friends so now I see him in a different light. Hahah! [Freak-o.] And he and Zul got along really well! Adilah said they spoke in 'very mat language' to each other, haha. And both of them couldn't play the finger game! Lulu was new to the game as well but she did so much better than both of them. And we girls have difficulty naming countries! Hahah. Especially me and Adilah. Haha blonde jokes and poking fun at certain not-so-blonde people was funnehh as well.

The bbq was a very last minute thing. It was supposed to be just for my sister's friends but on Saturday morning, my mom herself was all psyched up for it so she told me to invite more - but not too many, of my friends as well. So I did. And I'm happy because these girls, I love them totally! The perfect group because I'm closest to them. They ended up leaving my place at midnight. Which worked out very well because I'm the only one with a curfew and since it was at my house, I didn't have a curfew! Haha!

My sister did most of the work. Kay, actually all the work, together with her friends who were very friendly. Her bandmates were strumming their guitars and the whole group was singing along, and they even did Chasing Cars! =) After that, the group moved into the balcony just outside my room and we spent the rest of our time there. =)

Before the entire night, I spent the day with Shah. Inititally we were at Funan, but I got bored. Hee hee, sorry I wasn't good company there! But it's okay, he was bored at Nine West too. Well to be honest, so was I. Haha but my goodness, I love the shoes. One day, I'll have a collection of them, just you wait and see. Haha [wishful thinking]. He got me a pair of couple rings and they look so perfect together. =) We look perfect together.

Ich liebe mein Freund, meine Freundinnen und Schwester! [Understand the last bit, Noreen?]

If I lay here, if I just lay here..would you lie with me and
forget the rest of the world?

We are born innocent
Believe me adia, we are still innocent
It's easy, we all falter, does it matter?
Believe me adia, we are still innocent

When I'm tense, sometimes I forget how to breathe.

Am tired but will fight on...

Five hour phone conversations..

I'm very behind on my readings. It's great to know that while I acknowledge that I'm behind, I can actually find time to go online! Oh well. They say acknowledgement is the first step..to whatever it is that next step is.

I suppose that by not understanding Philosophy, I'm on the right track? Because right now, Socrates has all me all muddled up.

German is taking up alot of my time! But the good thing about learning a language is - well, learning a new language. Deutsch macht viel spaB! But does it have to be so damn heavy? Thrice a week!

Ich liebe mein Freund. :0)

I'm in the balcony. Gandos is in front of me on the mat, messing it up, rolling over with it and biting it.

Chak!

I'm so lucky to have Shahrul.

Really, really am. I think because the past week, we talked alot about our 'history' - the time before we broke up, and meeting him last night made me realize how much he's grown to be a part of my life and how much he means to me. Really. I can't imagine my life without him. It's not that I'm dependant on him and neither is he on me. It's that..he complements me.

Tuition today was great. We ended late today, for the same reason as the previous sessions. She's such a darling to teach, really.

My mom, sis and aunt picked me up. Then we headed to Parkway! It's been ages since I went there.

And guess what? I cut my hair.

No more itchy fingers for the time being, huh? Lol.

When I'm down and feeling blue,
I close my eyes so I can be with you.

Today.

After the meeting, upon reaching Tanah Merah MRT station I realized I didn't want to go home and be alone. Not when I was already feeling lousy.

So I called Shaza. Lucky she was free. :) And lucky she wanted to meet up on such short notice.

We watched The Host. I just wanted to watch a movie, to relax, unwind and forget everything else for a moment. We talked alot too before the movie. I got everything that was bothering me out which made me feel alot better afterwards. :)

It was my first movie with her and we had the corner two seats in the cinema. So it was our first date! But hey, next time let's pick the couple seats, lol.

My friends are strong, amazing women.

It's been a strange few days. Been trying to keep up with my readings but they're coming at me fast! My heaviest module has got to be German. With two lectures weekly, it's almost as though I'm tackling two modules.

But hey, it's fun to immerse myself in school. What's even more fun is bumping into my friends [along the way making new friends] around school.

Despite all that, I just want him. I think right now I just want some quiet, peaceful time, away from the hustle and bustle of all things fun.

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Watched Ghost Game just now.

Don't watch it if you're a scaredy-cat. Like me. I think Shahrul likes watching horror flicks with me because I make him seem brave because I'm more scared than he is and I'll be sticking my fingers into my ears at the same time.

He also likes going to Pizza Hut with me because he gets four slices of pizza while I'm stuffed after two.

(:

I'm in lecture using Nurain's lappie! =D

This morning I woke up at 5.30am to be in school by 8am for my PS tutorial. At 9am, we realized the tutor had a conference and hadn't bothered to inform anyone of his absence. =P

I think Philosophy is my favourite lecture because it's so relaxed and even though I don't really understand the stuff [we were warned of that], I think it's hilarious. Especially the way Holbo [cute name, right!] presents the dialogues.

But hey, I better buck up. My previous recharging episode was marred by my falling sick. Tee hee!

And Adilah's beside me. [Her words.] Listening diligently. [Her words again.]

Shaza's at Swensens now! I like to kacau her, lol.

Hey-de-ho!

I hate being sick. I'm a real baby when I'm sick. Ask Adilah and Shah. Heh.

Driving today was very bad. I don't know if it's because I'm sick or because it was raining but I kept striking the kerb. So..yeah. I don't know what now, come Monday.

After a series of good circuit lessons, this has to happen. Bleargh.

Sometimes the common man is so rude you want to just slap his face. Just now as I was walking past the Eunos foodcourt, some guy threw his cigarette at me to catch my attention. And I stupidly turned. Why? Because I thought it was unintentional and I wanted to glare at the callous bastard.

I want to recover!

What if I don't wanna forget
Don't want anyone but you
Believe me, it's true, for a while...forever
Just let me stay here with you
I don't wanna leave, I don't wanna leave

I owe Adilah a million thanks for teaching me how to borrow books and photocopy stuff for my readings. I have my first set of photocopied notes in my bag right now! Haha sometimes I act so jakun I embarrass myself.

I'm sleepy! I think I now need to get used to the fact that it's actually not taboo to smoke. Initially I had to get accustomed to all the PDA going on, hahah. Now that I've gotten used to that, it's the smoking thing.

If I said I loved you, what would you do?

A quick update before I get my work done..

Honestly? I haven't done any readings. There has been too many things to do and experience that I've been putting aside the readings. I better catch up on the work!

Just now Shah followed me all the way to my tutorial class. Sweet, huh. =) Along the way, he kept cracking [loud and VERY LAME] jokes about how he's in a hurry because he has to meet his friend in the hall later on.

I think I've been recharged. =)

Let's get ready to rumbleee!

On Friday night, I met up with Shahrul after his Brunei trip. Initially I was supposed to pick him up at the airport in the wee hours of the morning but his family sprung a sweet surprise on him, haha. On Friday also, my mom left for Perth with my aunt. Ooh I want to strangle her. She had seven months to go - seven months that I was free, but she chose to go when university starts for me. Grrr.

To be honest, while on the bus to Clementi to meet him, I didn't know what to expect. I felt very..blah. Haha Adilah was telling me that when I did meet him, I'd be very happy and that maybe the fact that I was actually going to meet him hadn't sunk in yet because I hadn't met him for so long. I was apprehensive about her words but all's good because it was later proven true. =)
She's so cute! Texted me during the date to ask me how it went because she was 'curious'. Haha =)

We headed to town, had a great time together as usual. Met him again yesterday where we watched The Break-Up. I really enjoyed the movie! Initially it was chosen as a last resort because I wanted a chick flick [heheh] and there wasn't any other better timings but I didn't expect the movie to move me so much. Especially the bit where Jennifer cried when he didn't meet her at the concert. It's as though you could really sense her frustration and her disappointment - the fact that she was trying to be strong and not let him see her cry. Although the movie was a little biased towards girls [haha!], I found it very real and hence, amusing yet sobering. I think that guys and girls will interpret the movie differently. And the ending! I loved the way it was unexpected yet hopeful. I loved the way he winked at her as though they both knew something good was about to happen. And what's going to happen next is bound to be amazing because they'd both cleaned up their lives - they had the courage to take a step back from everything, to re-examine themselves. I think Shah enjoyed the movie too.

After that was Samar's! I love the ambience. Tried the sheesha but couldn't quite get the hang of it, so I stopped trying. I didn't like it anyway. =P. Heheh. But yeah, I love the place. Although the food was a big disappointment. Hmmmm.

He just told me that two of his friends had broken up yesterday because their girlfriends decided they didn't have time for them. Well now, ain't that a sad thing? I figure it's more because of the timing of the trip - the fact that our boyfriends are away during our first two weeks in the university and everything's all moving so fast, alongside discovering many new things. I don't really know how to express this in words. I can understand what goaded the girls to that decision but I also feel sorry for them for giving up so soon.

I can see clearly now the rain is gone..

Maybe a greater thing will happen, maybe all will see. Maybe our love will catch like fire, as it burns through me.

For the past few days, I've been listening to nothing but hip hop and other fast tracks. But after messing up the auditions very badly [my heart's still very much broken =(] I'm refusing to listen to anymore of that and I'm now listening to slow songs. So I'm going all emo on you again.

Oh! I met Xiao Qing today! And seriously, I miss her alot. My JC mates. Though life in jc was rotten and we probably hung out with each other solely because we didn't have anyone else to hang out with [ha-bloody-ha], they made for a good bunch of people and I loveee theemmm!

Hehe.

Lucas: Remember tonight, for it is the beginning of always. A promise. Like a reward for persisting through life so long alone. A belief in each other and the possibility of love. A decision to ignore, simply rise above the pain of the past. A covenant, which at once binds two souls and yet severs prior ties. A celebration of the chance taken and the challenge that lies ahead. For two will always be stronger than one, like a team braced against the tempest civil world. And love will always be the guiding force in our lives. For tonight is mere formality. Only an announcement to the world of feelings long held. Promises made long ago. In the sacred spaces of our hearts.

Took this picture off Este's blog. Damn, I'm no longer a brunette like them, lol.

Reperio barbeque


I don't have any other pictures. Why? I was too busy trying to capture the aeroplanes and to gobble up all the chicken.

Anyhoo, someone commented on Ready or not, here I come.. in my deviantART. It's a picture of Gandos which I took yesterday.

To think I nearly disabled comments because I worried I'd receive only negative ones. =D

And one more picture from yesterday..

We're friends! Really.

Someone added the aeroplane picture in their favourites in deviantART!

This, my friends, is supposed to be an aeroplane.


And these were taken while we were waiting for the bus.


THIS was the bus we missed as we were too busy taking pictures.




There were several other much more abstract pictures but my camera couldn't capture them. =( Muz helped me take some using his camera [which costs almost 1k!] and he's sending them to me soon. =) Yay!